Anonymous poet No. 8

Humpty Dumpty

.

When Humpty Dumpty was a boy
he asked his hard-boiled mum
“Why didn’t you boil me longer,
so if I broke I wouldn’t run?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

As you can see Anonymous poet No. 8 is also a very talented illustrator.

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Inserted into a syllable grid we have…

 

 

 

.

.

When	Hump	ty	Dum	ty	was	a	boy
he	asked	his	hard	boiled	mum
Why	did	n’t	you	boil	me	long	er
so	if	I	broke	I	would	n’t	run

.

The first two lines read smoothly with a consistent iambic meter.

The second two, not so smooth. I would suggest…

.

When	Hump	ty	Dum	ty	was	a	boy
he	told	his	hard	boiled	mum
You	should	have	boiled	me	long	er
	Now	I’m	broke	and	on	the	run

.

I’ve been a bit cheeky here but I couldn’t resist..

.

When Humpty Dumpty was a boy
he told his hard-boiled mum
“You should have boiled me longer;
now I’m broke, and on the run!”

.

Thank you Anonymous poet No. 8 please expect my e-book shortly.

Anonymous poet No. 7

Some live in houses, and some live in huts.

Some carry water and some gather nuts.

Each child is different yet all are the same.

With dreams of a future while still playing games.

 

 

.

 

Children are the same from their head to their toes

Just different coloured skin and shape of their nose.

Some children dance and sway with the breeze

While others like to tussle and climb up the trees.

 

 

 

I’ll work on this is two parts.

 

 

First part…

 

 

 

	Some	live	in	hous	es	and	some	live	in	huts
	Some	carr	y	wa	ter	and	some	gath	er	nuts
	Each	child	is	differ	ent	yet	all	are	the	same
With	dreams	of	a	fut	ure	while	still	play	ing	games

 

 

No problem with meter in this first verse. As you can see there is a consistent pattern – one stressed syllable and two unstressed syllables. My only comment is with line 4 where some folk will want to place a stress on the first syllable PLAYing. To avoid this possible trip up point I would suggest…

 

 

They

dream

of

a

fut

ure

while

play

ing

with

games

 

 

Not perfect but just trying to demonstrate that it is preferable to use word stress in its natural state as this is how the average reader will read it.

 

Also you’ll note that I’ve split the word ‘different’ into two syllables rather than three. This is because that is how most people pronounce it. Not too many say diff-er-ent – of course some will and they will trip here.

Second part…

 

 

Children are the same from their head to their toes

Just different coloured skin and shape of their nose.

Some children dance and sway with the breeze

While others like to tussle and climb up the trees.

 

 

Chil	dren	are	the	same	from	their	head	to	their	toes
Just	differ	ent	col	oured	skin	and	shape	of	their	nose
Some	chil	dren	dance	and	sway	with	the	breeze
While	oth	ers	like	to	tuss	le	and	climb	up	the	trees

 

 

You can see that this verse is a little less structured which is jarring after reading the first verse. I would suggest…

 

 

	Kids	are	the	same	from	their	head	to	their	toes
Their	skin	chang	ing	shade	with	the	shape	of	their	nose
	Some	child	ren	dance	as	they	sway	with	the	breeze
While	oth	ers	like	tuss	ling	and	climb	ing	up	trees

 

 

Thank you Anonymous poet No. 7. I’ll be sending you a copy of my e-book “How to write Rhyme like the Experts”.

Anonymous poet No.6

FLIGHT TO JAPAN

 

Bumpity bump through the sky

Who said this big bird can fly

When do you think we will be there?

We can’t get off in the air.

 

.

Packed like sardines in a can

In this big hibiscus van

As we wing off through the sky

Japanese staff are nearby.

.

 

 

 

 

 

Bum	pi	tiy	bump	through	the	sky
Who	said	this	big	bird	can	fly
When	do	you	think	we	will	be	there
We	can’t	get	off	in	the	air
Packed	like	sar	dines	in	a	can
In	this	big	hi	bis	cus	van
As	we	wing	off	through	the	sky
Ja	pan	ese	staff	are	near	by

 

 

 

I think I’ll break this one down into its rhyming couplets.

 

When I first read this I paused after ‘bump’ which threw out the second line.

 

 

This is how I read it…

 

Bum	pi	tiy	bump	~	through	the	sky
Who	said	this	big	bird	can	fly

 

And I wanted to change the second line to…

 

Who

was

it

said

this

bird

can

fly

 

Bumpity bump; through the sky

Who was it said, this bird can fly

 

If we read it without the pause we get…

 

 

Bum	pi	tiy	bump	through	the	sky
Who	said	this	big	bird	can	fly

 

however some people will want to stress the word ‘said’ rather than ‘who’ I know I do. I’d prefer to say…

 

Who

said

that

this

big

bird

can

fly

 

Bumpity bump through the sky

Who said that this big bird can fly?

 

Next couplet…

 

When	do	you	think	we	will	be	there
We	can’t	get	off	in	the	air

 

 

So to keep with the meter I would suggest

 

	When	do	you	think	we’ll	be	there
We	can’t	dis	em	bark	in	the	air

 

When do you think we’ll be there?

We can’t disembark in the air

 

Next couplet…

 

Packed	like	sar	dines	in	a	can
In	this	big	hi	bis	cus	van

 

To use the word hibiscus we need to fit it here…

 

Packed	like	sar	dines	in	a	can
		hi	bis	cus

 

So…

 

	Packed	like	sar	dines	in	a	can
In	side	this	hi	bis	cus	se	dan

 

Hmmmm – not sure about a hibiscus sedan. Maybe try changing the first line.

 

	Packed	like	sar	dines	in	a	flan
In	side	this	hi	bis	cus	tin	can

 

Packed like sardines in a flan

Inside this hibiscus tin can

 

Moving on…

 

As	we	wing	off	through	the	sky
Ja	pan	ese	staff	are	near	by

 

 

 

	Soar	ing	a	round	in	the	sky
With	Jap	an	ese	staff	stand	ing	by

 

So we now have…

 

Bumpity bump through the sky

Who said that this big bird can fly?

When do you think we’ll be there?

We can’t disembark in the air

Packed like sardines in a flan

Inside this hibiscus tin can

Soaring around in the sky

With Japanese staff standing by

 

 

If we now insert this into a syllable grid we get…

 

 

	Bum	pi	tiy	bump	through	the	sky
Who	said	that	this	big	bird	can	fly
	When	do	you	think	we’ll	be	there
We	can’t	dis	em	bark	in	the	air
	Packed	like	sar	dines	in	a	flan
In	side	this	hi	bis	cus	tin	can
	Soar	ing	a	round	in	the	sky
With	Ja	pan	ese	staff	stand	ing	by

 

 

Thank you Anonymous poet No. 6. My e-book is on its way.

Anonymous poet No. 5

Here is a verse from a rhyming story I wrote.

.

He just about had her; this was it, this was it!!

But then, oh my goodness, do you know what she did?

She turned around slowly. She could smell him you see.

I did say he was stinky. He was very smelly.

 

Straight into this one…

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

He

just

a

bout

had

her

;

this

was

it

this

was

it

But

then

oh

my

good

ness

,

do

you

know

what

she

did

She

turned

a

round

slow

ly

.

She

could

smell

him

you

see

I

did

say

he

was

stink

y

He

was

ve

ry

smell

y

 

 

 

This one has an interesting meter that can’t really be categorised easily. Having said that you can still see that the pattern is predicable, all except for the last line so let’s work on that one.

 

 

I

did

say

he

was

stink

y

He

was

ve

ry

smell

y

 

So you can see that there is an extra syllable in the first part of the line. The author will know to rush over these words so that they fit into two beats instead of three. Some new readers will do this too, some will not. Best to remove the potential problem.

 

The second issue is a very common mistake made when writing in rhyme. Even though the last syllable in the word ‘smelly’ ends in an ‘ee’ sound, it is an unstressed syllable. In order is rhyme ‘smelly’ with ‘see’ the reader is expected to pronounce the word ‘smelly’ incorrectly. The correct pronunciation is SMELLy with the stress falling on SMELL – like jelly, belly etc. So to rhyme with ‘you see’ we need to say jell-EE.

The word ‘very’ though not as obvious, is often, in natural speech rushed over and so can be regarded as a one syllable word. You really have to enunciate to get two beats out of it.

 

Having said that what would I suggest?

 

Perhaps…

 

 

I

said

he

was

stink

y

.

Well

he

smelled

terr

i

bly

 

or, if you want to jazz it up a little…

 

He was

pu

trid

and

rot

ten

.

And

he

smelled

terr

i

bly

 

 

Although not perfect, I’m not thrilled with ‘terribly’ though I think it is an improvement, I’m sure you can see what I mean. Also note that there are two syllables at the beginning of the line – again in natural speech you would tend to blend this into one beat so the rhythm of the line is not interrupted.

 

The other option is to change the previous line…

 

She

turned

a

round

slow

ly

.

She

could

smell

him

you

know

He was

pu

trid

and

rot

ten

.

From

his

head

to

his

toe

 

I think I prefer this.

 

Thanks Anonymous poet No. 5. I’ll be sending your e-book “How to write Rhyme like the Experts” directly.

 

.

Anonymous poet No. 4

Jingle Stupid Bells (About a little black cat who thinks he’s a panther.)

Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright…
Ha! I’m the panther in the night.
With tigers Blake was surely taken
But by Bastet, he was mistaken.

Panthers are by far superior
Than all the old tiger hysteria.

.

Okay – so I had to do a little research after I read this and will pass on what I learned. This is probably common knowledge but I’ll include it just in case. William Blake wrote a poem ‘The Tiger’ in 1794 that begins…Tiger, tiger, burning bright… And Bastet is the Egyptian cat-headed goddess and I think we all know what panthers are.

Now I’m a bit of a stickler when it comes to writing parodies. What makes a parody of a poem work is the ability of the author to stick strictly to the original meter. If you are going to begin your poem with such a famous line then I would expect the rest of the poem to continue in the same fashion. So let’s see how true this one is.

.

Here’s the original…

.

	Ti	ger	ti	ger	burn	ing	bright
	In	the	for	ests	of	the	night
	What	im	mor	tal	hand	or	eye
Could	frame	thy	fear	ful	sym	me	try

.

The meter is trochaic (mostly) – a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed syllable with the final foot missing its unstressed mate. In fancy terms this final foot is catalectic.

It is written in rhyming couplets and each stanza or verse has four lines (a quatrain). So the rhyming pattern is AABB

.

	Ti	ger	ti	ger	burn	ing	bright
Ha	I’m	the	pan	ther	in	the	night
With	ti	gers	Blake	was	sure	ly	tak	en
But	by	Bas	tet	he	was	mis	tak	en

.

Anonymous poet No. 4’s verse is pretty similar with a few exceptions. You’ll note I’ve omitted the last two lines for an easier comparison.

.

Line by line edit…

.

Line 1

No problems there.

.

Line 2

Personally I would recommend removing the “Ha”. I don’t think it adds anything and I found it a bit jarring, wanting to begin the line with a stressed syllable. The rest of the line is good.

.

Line 3

Being the stickler I want to begin the line with a stressed syllable so maybe…

.

Blake

with

ti

gers

he

was

tak

en

 

Line 4

 

But

by

Bas

tet

he

was

mis

tak

en

From my understanding the author is saying that Bastet prefers panthers to tigers. I’m happy to start the line with an unstressed syllable because Blake has done just that. But two unstressed syllables, no. In fact the meter falls apart in this last line and it is a bit difficult to understand. Using the pronoun ‘he’ is confusing. Who is the ‘he’ referring to, Blake or Bastet? Remembering that not everyone will know who Bastet is. So then I might suggest…

.

But

Bas

tet

vows

that

Blake’s

mis

tak

en

.

Lines 5 & 6

.

Panthers are by far superior
Than all the old tiger hysteria.

.

	Pan	thers	are	by	far	su	per	i	or
Than	all	the	old	ti	ger	hys	ter	i	a
	Pan	thers	are	su	per	i	or
To	ti	ger	myth	hys	ter	i	a

.

And so…

.

Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright

I’m the panther in the night

Blake with tigers, he was taken

But Bastet vows that Blake’s mistaken.

Panthers are superior

To tiger myth hysteria

 

Thank you Anonymous poet No 4. Your e-book is on its way.

Anonymous poet No.2

The Shadow Thief

One day I saw a homeless man,

a beggar on a corner street.

His jacket torn, his trousers worn,

his hat upturned down at his feet.

.

.

.

‘Some silvers, please, just a few

will feed me till tomorrow noon.’

He rubbed his tummy, grin all gummy,

in hope to hear a chink or two.

.

 

 

This story in verse is much longer than two verses so I’m just going to edit the first two.

When you read this you will hear immediately that not only does it rhyme but it also has a very strong metrical component so this will be more of a deconstruction than an edit so that you can see why it works.

.

One	day	I	saw	a	home	less	man
a	begg	ar	on	a	cor	ner	street
His	jack	et	torn	his	trou	sers	worn
his	hat	up	turned	down	at	his	feet
his	hat	up	turned	be	side	his	feet

.

So the meter is iambic – an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable.

daDA daDA daDA daDA

And the rhyme pattern is ABCB and there is an internal rhyme in line 3.

I have made a suggestion for line 4 as the original runs two stressed syllables together. In order to keep with the meter, the reader will be expected to place a stress on the word ‘at’. The author will do this instinctively but a new reader may not.

.

Some	sil	vers	please	,	just	a	few
Some	sil	vers	please	but	just	a	few
will	feed	me	till	tom	orr	ow	noon
He	rubbed	his	tumm	y	grin	all	gumm	y
in	hope	to	hear	a	chink	or	two
	hop	ing	for	a	chink	or	two
	listen	ing	for	a	chink	or	two

.

Meter is still iambic but the rhyming pattern has changed to ABCA and there is an internal rhyme in line 3 as before.

I’ve added the word ‘but’ to the first line as readers may initially pause at the comma but rush over the words ‘just a few’ to be read as ‘justa few’ leaving the line short. When you add the word ‘but’ ‘just’ becomes stressed.

The suggestion I’ve made for line 4 is a tiny one but I think it makes the rhythm a little smoother. The extra unstressed syllable at the end of line 3 will bump into the unstressed syllable beginning line four. New readers will be expecting a stressed syllable to follow the unstressed ‘y’ and may trip up here.

As I said, this is a much longer poem and the metrical pattern isn’t consistent. I would need a lot more time to edit properly.

Thank you Anonymous poet No. 2  I hope I’ve been of some help and please expect your e-book very soon.

Anonymous poet No. 1

The Sad Ogre

The ogre walked along his head hung down singing a song

I’m not scared I’m big and strong.

His tears fell and he sat in a pile huddled alone with no smile.

Mr. Ogre why do you cry the sand flies buzzed by.

He swatted and cursed and shooed him away

My friend said I’m too scared to play.

Play you say, scared of what? You’re big and strong like a bit steel pot

The ogre stood proud and tall his head held high as he reached up to the sky

Grabbing the sand fly he kissed his small head and said,

You made be better I’m not scared any more

Now I can play when mummy lets me out the back door.

.

So the first thing I try to identify, when I begin to edit a rhyming story or poem, is the meter. What is the rhythm? When I read this I found it extremely difficult to identify any recurring patterns in meter. Even though there are rhymes – song/strong; pile/smile; away/play; what/pot; high/sky – there is no consistent meter. So here’s what I might suggest…

.

.

The ogre walked along

his head hung down singing a song

I’m not scared I’m big and strong

.

The ogre dragged his feet along

He hung his head and sang a song

I’m not scared, I’m big and strong

.

When this is inserted into a syllable grid with the stressed syllables bolded you will be able to see a visual representation of the meter or lack thereof.

.

The	o	gre	walked	a	long
His	head	hung	down	sing	ing	a	song
~	I’m	not	scared	I’m	big	and	strong
The	o	gre	dragged	his	feet	a	long
He	hung	his	head	and	sang	a	song
~	I’m	not	scared	I’m	big	and	strong

.

You’ll see that the original begins with 3 alternating iambic feet. An iambic foot is an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one. daDA daDA daDA

..

The next part (I’ve put it on a new line) begins with an iambic foot and is followed by four syllables that in ‘natural’ speech would normally be stressed or at least spoken with the same emphasis, neither longer nor shorter than the syllables around it and when read aloud sounds flat, tuneless.

My suggestions in green were made for the following reasons…

.

1. I’ve replaced the word ‘walked’ as this is a common verb. ‘Dragged’ is more descriptive.
2. ‘Dragged his feet’ fits the iambic pattern.
3. The last line I’ve rearranged so that the stressed and unstressed syllables form an iambic meter. I’ve not changed the meaning, just the meter.
4. The third line is fine. You’ll note that overall there is one less syllable in this line, however, where meter is concerned, it is the stressed syllables that matter, and there are still four of those.

.

This one was tricky because I felt it was closer to a free verse poem than a metrical one. There is of course no problem with this but because of the rhymes I feel that it needs to be a bit more structured and more predictable for the reader. When readers read rhyme they will expect some sort of pattern and at the moment the patterns are little too vague.

Unfortunately I am unable to edit the entire poem as I’d like to do as many different ones as I can but I hope that I have made some sense and I thank poet No 1 for sending it in. A copy of my e-book is on its way.

Poets Anonymous

 

For the month of April I thought I might embark on a fun exercise.

 

For those of you who receive PASS IT ON you’ll note that in this week’s issue I’ve put out a call to writers of children’s rhyming verse/poetry.

 

I am asking that you send me one (1) verse of your story or poem to be edited publicly here, on this blog. All posts will be anonymous. I will also encourage comments, suggestions and questions from you, the reading public.

Brave participants will receive a copy of my e-book “How to write Rhyme like the Experts”

Please send your verse(s) to jackiehosking @ bigpond . com (no spaces).

Who’s going first?

 

 

Rhyme time – alive and well

One of my favourite books published a couple of years ago was Ursula Dubosarsky’s ‘A Terrible Plop’, illustrated by Andrew Joyner and published by Viking, Penguin Group Australia. Shortlisted in the 2010 CBCA Book of the Year (Early childhood section), ‘A Terrible Plop’ is living proof that writing stories for children in rhyme is still alive and well.

Now don’t get me wrong, being a children’s poet who loves to write in rhyme, believe me when I say that writing in rhyme is no easy feat. The trouble with writing in this genre is that many would be rhymers focus too strongly on the rhyme and they forget about the rhythm and more importantly they often completely forget about the story. A story written in rhyme is just that, a story written in rhyme, not a rhyme written in rhyme.

‘The Terrible Plop’ is about the story, the meter or rhythm is impeccable and the rhyme is incidental, an added bonus, the icing on the cake. Children enjoy rhyme because of its predicability but it is the story that keeps them reading, the ‘what happens next’ factor. What is The Terrible Plop? This is what we want to know. What is it that has all the animals so spooked?

A good way to decide if a story in rhyme is up to standard is to write it in prose first. Take Dr Seuss’ ‘Horton Hears A Who’ written in rhyme or not, this is a wonderful story full of tension, action, surprise and of course resolution. The theme being that a person is a person no matter their size. A simple message delivered in an entertaining fashion.

Ursula’s subtle message or underlying theme is about facing your fears, being afraid but continuing anyway. Mixing such an important lesson with rhyme and rhythm is a recipe for success. Stories in rhyme, in themselves, are fun and joyful, juxtaposed with a serious message will ensure the longevity of the book. Again Dr. Suess’ books have been around for over fifty years.

Alice in Wonderland

This is my copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, it’s a bit tattered as you can see. I have just finished reading it to my ten year old son. A chapter a night, snuggled together in bed, something we both looked forward to. Next week I’ll begin the second part, Through the Looking Glass.

Rereading this classic brought me so much joy, especially all the nonsense verse, parodies of rhymes popular in that day.

When learning to write in rhyme and meter it is often helpful to borrow a poem and rewrite it using the same rhythmic pattern. Lewis Carroll did it brilliantly with all his poems but I especially like this one…

Here’s the original by Isaac Watts.

.

How doth the little busy Bee
Improve each shining Hour,
And gather Honey all the day
From every opening Flower!

.

How skilfully she builds her Cell!
How neat she spreads the Wax!
And labours hard to store it well
With the sweet Food she makes.

.

In Works of Labour or of Skill
I would be busy too:
For Satan finds some Mischief still
For idle Hands to do.

.

In Books, or Work, or healthful Play
Let my first Years be past,
That I may give for every Day
Some good Account at last. [1715]

.

And here is Lewis Carroll’s version…

.

How doth the little crocodile

Improve his shining tail,

And pour the waters of the Nile

On every golden scale!

.

How cheerfully he seems to grin,

How neatly spreads his claws,

And welcomes little fishes in

With gently smiling jaws!

.

This version is certainly more playful.

.

Here’s my version…

.

How doth the naughty puppy dog

Improve its owner’s mood

Insisting that the slimy frog

Is perfect for its food

.

How wickedly he licks his lips

And leaps a graceful romp

While down his throat the froggy slips

And croaks it by the swamp

.

Have you ever borrowed the meter of a poem?

If you have and you’d like to share it here, please do.