Anonymous poet No. 8

Humpty Dumpty

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When Humpty Dumpty was a boy
he asked his hard-boiled mum
“Why didn’t you boil me longer,
so if I broke I wouldn’t run?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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As you can see Anonymous poet No. 8 is also a very talented illustrator.

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Inserted into a syllable grid we have…

 

 

 

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When	Hump	ty	Dum	ty	was	a	boy
he	asked	his	hard	boiled	mum
Why	did	n’t	you	boil	me	long	er
so	if	I	broke	I	would	n’t	run

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The first two lines read smoothly with a consistent iambic meter.

The second two, not so smooth. I would suggest…

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When	Hump	ty	Dum	ty	was	a	boy
he	told	his	hard	boiled	mum
You	should	have	boiled	me	long	er
	Now	I’m	broke	and	on	the	run

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I’ve been a bit cheeky here but I couldn’t resist..

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When Humpty Dumpty was a boy
he told his hard-boiled mum
“You should have boiled me longer;
now I’m broke, and on the run!”

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Thank you Anonymous poet No. 8 please expect my e-book shortly.

Anonymous poet No. 7

Some live in houses, and some live in huts.

Some carry water and some gather nuts.

Each child is different yet all are the same.

With dreams of a future while still playing games.

 

 

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Children are the same from their head to their toes

Just different coloured skin and shape of their nose.

Some children dance and sway with the breeze

While others like to tussle and climb up the trees.

 

 

 

I’ll work on this is two parts.

 

 

First part…

 

 

 

	Some	live	in	hous	es	and	some	live	in	huts
	Some	carr	y	wa	ter	and	some	gath	er	nuts
	Each	child	is	differ	ent	yet	all	are	the	same
With	dreams	of	a	fut	ure	while	still	play	ing	games

 

 

No problem with meter in this first verse. As you can see there is a consistent pattern – one stressed syllable and two unstressed syllables. My only comment is with line 4 where some folk will want to place a stress on the first syllable PLAYing. To avoid this possible trip up point I would suggest…

 

 

They

dream

of

a

fut

ure

while

play

ing

with

games

 

 

Not perfect but just trying to demonstrate that it is preferable to use word stress in its natural state as this is how the average reader will read it.

 

Also you’ll note that I’ve split the word ‘different’ into two syllables rather than three. This is because that is how most people pronounce it. Not too many say diff-er-ent – of course some will and they will trip here.

Second part…

 

 

Children are the same from their head to their toes

Just different coloured skin and shape of their nose.

Some children dance and sway with the breeze

While others like to tussle and climb up the trees.

 

 

Chil	dren	are	the	same	from	their	head	to	their	toes
Just	differ	ent	col	oured	skin	and	shape	of	their	nose
Some	chil	dren	dance	and	sway	with	the	breeze
While	oth	ers	like	to	tuss	le	and	climb	up	the	trees

 

 

You can see that this verse is a little less structured which is jarring after reading the first verse. I would suggest…

 

 

	Kids	are	the	same	from	their	head	to	their	toes
Their	skin	chang	ing	shade	with	the	shape	of	their	nose
	Some	child	ren	dance	as	they	sway	with	the	breeze
While	oth	ers	like	tuss	ling	and	climb	ing	up	trees

 

 

Thank you Anonymous poet No. 7. I’ll be sending you a copy of my e-book “How to write Rhyme like the Experts”.

Anonymous poet No. 1

The Sad Ogre

The ogre walked along his head hung down singing a song

I’m not scared I’m big and strong.

His tears fell and he sat in a pile huddled alone with no smile.

Mr. Ogre why do you cry the sand flies buzzed by.

He swatted and cursed and shooed him away

My friend said I’m too scared to play.

Play you say, scared of what? You’re big and strong like a bit steel pot

The ogre stood proud and tall his head held high as he reached up to the sky

Grabbing the sand fly he kissed his small head and said,

You made be better I’m not scared any more

Now I can play when mummy lets me out the back door.

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So the first thing I try to identify, when I begin to edit a rhyming story or poem, is the meter. What is the rhythm? When I read this I found it extremely difficult to identify any recurring patterns in meter. Even though there are rhymes – song/strong; pile/smile; away/play; what/pot; high/sky – there is no consistent meter. So here’s what I might suggest…

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The ogre walked along

his head hung down singing a song

I’m not scared I’m big and strong

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The ogre dragged his feet along

He hung his head and sang a song

I’m not scared, I’m big and strong

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When this is inserted into a syllable grid with the stressed syllables bolded you will be able to see a visual representation of the meter or lack thereof.

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The	o	gre	walked	a	long
His	head	hung	down	sing	ing	a	song
~	I’m	not	scared	I’m	big	and	strong
The	o	gre	dragged	his	feet	a	long
He	hung	his	head	and	sang	a	song
~	I’m	not	scared	I’m	big	and	strong

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You’ll see that the original begins with 3 alternating iambic feet. An iambic foot is an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one. daDA daDA daDA

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The next part (I’ve put it on a new line) begins with an iambic foot and is followed by four syllables that in ‘natural’ speech would normally be stressed or at least spoken with the same emphasis, neither longer nor shorter than the syllables around it and when read aloud sounds flat, tuneless.

My suggestions in green were made for the following reasons…

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1. I’ve replaced the word ‘walked’ as this is a common verb. ‘Dragged’ is more descriptive.
2. ‘Dragged his feet’ fits the iambic pattern.
3. The last line I’ve rearranged so that the stressed and unstressed syllables form an iambic meter. I’ve not changed the meaning, just the meter.
4. The third line is fine. You’ll note that overall there is one less syllable in this line, however, where meter is concerned, it is the stressed syllables that matter, and there are still four of those.

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This one was tricky because I felt it was closer to a free verse poem than a metrical one. There is of course no problem with this but because of the rhymes I feel that it needs to be a bit more structured and more predictable for the reader. When readers read rhyme they will expect some sort of pattern and at the moment the patterns are little too vague.

Unfortunately I am unable to edit the entire poem as I’d like to do as many different ones as I can but I hope that I have made some sense and I thank poet No 1 for sending it in. A copy of my e-book is on its way.

Poets Anonymous

 

For the month of April I thought I might embark on a fun exercise.

 

For those of you who receive PASS IT ON you’ll note that in this week’s issue I’ve put out a call to writers of children’s rhyming verse/poetry.

 

I am asking that you send me one (1) verse of your story or poem to be edited publicly here, on this blog. All posts will be anonymous. I will also encourage comments, suggestions and questions from you, the reading public.

Brave participants will receive a copy of my e-book “How to write Rhyme like the Experts”

Please send your verse(s) to jackiehosking @ bigpond . com (no spaces).

Who’s going first?